When I say, "Nothing"

“What’s running through your head right now?”

Everything. The fact that I finally came in contact with reality and I’m still stuck in a rut when everyone else around me is flying is bothering me. I convinced myself that I’d be okay, but I’m honestly not. I told you that I’m at peace just to make you not worry that I still don’t have my shit together. All this while, I realize I’ve just picking up the pieces that fell from my soul and instead of trying to put them back together, I’m shoving them down my spine hoping in vain that I’ll probably grow a new one. Maybe this time, I’ll be a stronger person; a different person.

I’ve listened to you all my life, because every time you made decisions for me, it always worked out in the end. I’d hate it, but I managed to make myself understand that certain things happen for a reason. I put myself through childish tantrums by screaming in denial on the inside, but how would you see if that if I plastered a smile across my face?

I’m scarred from being internally fractured. You weren’t there when I needed you the most, and just when I was determined to make things work by myself, you reappeared and demolished the confidence I had in myself. Although when I think about it, I don’t feel angry, because you brought me back into my comfort zone. So, you see, it still doesn’t matter to you.

Sometimes I wish it were easy to be alone, but the virtual world just doesn’t cut it. Of course, you’ll tell me they’ll always be there and they’ll always be just a phone call away. Have you ever stopped to think the reason why I keep to myself is because the minute I decide to attach myself to anything or anyone, it gets ripped away? Have you ever wondered that I only attempt at being rebellious so I can see what it feels like to defy you?

You’ve given me everything that YOU ever wanted. I understand that everyone makes mistakes, but I only wish that sometimes you’d listen. I want to tell you about the dreams I have. I want to tell you about the times I fell hopelessly in love with the wrong people. I want to tell you how many times I’ve allowed people to break my heart. If only you’d listen.

I dream of him. A guy who is so perfect, that even I’d question myself of the possibility of it even occurring. I’d stand on a ledge of the tallest building during midnight looking at the cars below wondering how it would be if I fell. At that very moment, he would walk in and pull me away. He’d hold me close and tell me that everything was going to be okay. That night I’d talk to him until the sun rose high above our heads. He’d tell me about his life and how he just got the job of his dreams in the big city. We’d secretly like each other and we’d confess our love after two years of watching each other love and hate other people.

Would you let me take that risk or will you find someone who you think is perfect and watch me live with him the rest of my life. Of course, I’d be well supported and he’d be the perfect husband, but will he be my best friend? Can you guarantee that?

You’re so confident that I’ll find a way and that I’ll also have a job one day like all my friends, but you don’t trust for a minute that my insane dreams could probably come true. Why can’t you let me fail? Why can’t you believe in the fantasy I want to make a reality? I’m tired of adapting myself to the constant change you bring. I want to be human. I don’t want to survive, I want to live.

It’s obvious that I can’t blame you. I’m too young. What do I know? I let my heart do all the work. No wonder it hurts too much. Yet still, I’m okay. I’ll just cry silently to myself when you’re asleep. I know that nothing pains you more than seeing tears falling out of my eyes. I understand how much you’ve been through to give me the life I’ve lived so far. I won’t hurt you the way you’ve unknowingly hurt me over the years. It’s not your fault.

So, the next time you ask me what’s running through my head, I’ll lie to you.

I’ll tell you, “Nothing”.