Solitude

It was a quiet evening. Classes were finally over and sitting by the stairs outside always made me feel calm after all the day’s stress. The sun was also setting, which left the entire corridor lit with the most beautiful shade of peach and rose gold. It was almost royal.

I rolled up my sheets and set them near my feet. My heart was heavy enough as it is that I didn’t need more junk hanging from my body. Emotions are overrated. I could do without them. It just makes life more complicated than it already is.

“Hey..What’s up with you? Why do you look like pooped out puppy?”

It was him again. I ran my fingers through my hair and replied, “Really?..Pooped is what you’re going for?”

He chuckled and sat beside me. There was a safe distance. People could still walk through if they had to. I was just hoping no one would.

“Tell your angel about what’s bothering you, hon”

“Nothing is bothering me, ‘hon’”, I said burying my head between my knees.

“Is it the time of the month already?”

I grinned slightly. I wish it were. It would have at least given me a reason to justify the feeling of being a piece of crap.

“No…unfortunately..”

He kicked me near the ankle and glared at me in the eye. *sigh* “I can’t take my mind of him. I can’t concentrate anymore. He’s always hanging out with that other girl, who’s clearly treating him like he’s some kind of slave. I don’t understand him. I feel invisible.”

“Well, I guess that makes two of us”, he said as he stretched his arms behind his back.

I smiled back at him. He had a knack for making me feel better.

“You know that’s not what I mean. I have so much work as it is. Exams are coming up. UGH!”, I exclaimed and dragged my hands down my face. “You should see everyone else in class. They seem to be at the top of their game. They’re so focused all the time and my mind is running a marathon.”

He was quiet and all he did was listen to me ramble. A needed a hug, but obviously, I couldn’t ask him for one. I wouldn’t feel it, anyway. I was too numb.

“I’m just tired – mentally and emotionally. I’ll be fine.”

“Why do even like him? Give me one good reason”

“Seriously? I’m sitting here worrying about classes and lessons, and you think this is all about a stupid guy?”

“Why are you so hard on yourself? You clearly like this “stupid” guy. You’re just using college as an excuse to distract yourself from how you feel about him. What are you so afraid of?”

I looked down to the floor. My eyes started to water. “SHIT!”

“It’s been seven years. Don’t you think it’s about time I forget about him. I still don’t learn. I have absolutely no chance with him. He’s NOT my type, but every time I feel alone, I just feel more secluded by the thought that I’ll never be someone he cares about.”

He moved close and sat beside me. He held my hand and he did I felt a cold pain throbbing within my palms.

“Stop thinking that you’ll never be good enough. Maybe he’s not worth your time and care. You’re amazing on your own. You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy and maybe that’ll take time. AND, you’ll always be someone to me. You got that, you idiot?”

I still needed that hug. “haha..yes”

“I’m always here for you. I’m the little voice inside your head, remember?”

“NILA!!”

I looked up with a start. “Hey Preethi!”. I quickly wiped my eyes and picked up my stuff.

“Sorry to keep you waiting. You know how Radha Ma’am gets when you don’t submit her assignments on time”

“HA, yeah! Tell me about it”, I scoffed. I stood up and patted down my pants. Sitting down made them crinkle like paper. It was something I hated about Khadi. “You must have felt lonely having to sit there waiting for me like that” Preethi said, her face close to apologetic.

“Oh, it’s ok. I was talking to myself, so I wasn’t all that lonely”, I weakly laughed.