Hope

Everything was just wrong. It was like the feeling of suspension. The feeling of being clipped to the end of a long rope that was tied to the ledge of a cliff, only you didn’t know how deep the drop would be if you cut yourself off. Yet, you still hang there, hoping someone would notice. They wouldn’t be able to realize there would be someone hanging down there, unless they took the chance of pulling the rope up themselves. Did I mention you were also in no position to scream into sky alerting your existence?

But you still hope and believe someone will come…

It was this night that I decided to put an end to it. I wasn’t going to wait for that someone. I’d lost hope, to put things in perspective. Like I said, everything was just wrong and I wasn’t going to wait any longer for a miracle that I imagined was going to happen.

I took all the necessary things; my phone, some money and a couple of clothes. Of course, I stashed some bread and nutrition bars in the sides. I made sure I had a few water bottles as well.

“Maybe I needed my passport?..or what about my birth certificate?”

“No”, I thought to myself. I waited till everyone fell asleep. Around one am, I crept into the kitchen and took out the big bottle of wine, my parents kept in the back of the cupboard. I sat there, gulping huge amounts in the hope that I’d gather enough adrenaline to run away.

Not a single time did I stop to think as to why I was running away. I needed to leave. I needed to travel back to the past, where things were better and I was literally translating that want to the act of just absconding from the present.

Without further ado, I stepped out into the cold, wrapping myself in a heavy coat. I didn’t want to look back. I was determined to vanish. I walked pretty far to begin with, far enough into the streets, away from the suburb I lived in. I felt alive and free. I didn’t feel fear, which was odd. Perhaps it was the wine that was warming my body, giving it the push it needed.

There were very few cars that zoomed past. I could hear people screaming in the distance and at that moment, it felt like the entire world was dipped in the same gloom that I’d been in. Did I plan on how long I was going to walk? Did I think about how things were going to be tomorrow? Did I think about how this was going to affect my family?

No, No and No.

A war was happening in my head. I deserved to be selfish this one time. I wanted to make things right in my life. I’d always followed instructions. This ONE time, I wanted to be in charge of myself and I wanted to change!

BUT...

‘Look at how much they’ve done for you. Have you realized how much they sacrificed just so that you could live the life you’ve lived all this while? People make mistakes and maybe right now, they need you just the way you’ve needed them all these years. The only difference now is that you’re running away from that responsibility when they could have done the same to you in the past.’

I stopped in my tracks. Right there came the moment of guilt, so much that my legs wouldn’t budge. If I took another step, I’d leave everything behind. And by everything, not only did I mean my family I meant the possibility of things getting better.

I trudged slowly back home and this time, I cried along the way. I entered my home, still quiet as ever. Hopefully, sleep would fix things.

Hopefully.

The next morning, I walked into the kitchen and saw my mother looking outside the window, a cup of tea in hand. “Oh hey, do you know what happened to that extra bottle of wine we had?”

I shrugged my shoulders and went to hug her. Hopefully, things would get better.